Blessings in Life

This is a plaque we are going to hang up in baby girl’s room. Some of you may recognize the quote that is on it. It’s from this blog post. It’s a quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. When I first heard this quote, I cried. When I first saw this plaque, I cried. When I was telling Nic that I wanted to get it, I cried. When I picked it up at the store and read it again, I cried. This quote by Elder Holland is so powerful and answers every question I have had/felt about motherhood: will the blessing of motherhood come soon in our marriage? Will it come later in life? Will it ever come at all? The question I most frequently asked myself is that later. Will it ever happen? Will I be blessed on this earth as a mother, or will it wait until heaven?

We as women are meant to be mothers. There is something within us. Sherri Dew stated that "motherhood is the essence of who we are as women." To not fulfill my responsibility as a women, I felt loss and incomplete and I felt like a failure. I felt as though something was wrong with me. Not only was my body not "functional" but I was also unable to fulfill one of the most important roles on this earth. I slowly began to accept the fact that just maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother on this earth. It pained me to think that and it caused me to weep when I said it out loud. But I truly felt that there was no other conclusion to draw.

For awhile, yes, I did wallow in my own self pity. It was hard to accept the fact that it was more than likely I would NOT be a mother on this earth. Yes it made me upset. And yes I questioned my role as a woman. But then, through guidance of Sheri Dew's talk: Are We All Not Mothers? This quote really stuck out to me:

"For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."

I stood back and took a look at my life. Who was I to mother? Who needed my love? Who needs me to help lead and guide them? Obviously, there were my nieces and nephews. And of course my god-daughters. But who else needed my love? And then I received an answer: I was called to work with the youth in my church. At first, it was the 10 year old boys and girls. Then, I moved up with them when they were 11, getting ready to turn 12 (which I didn't expect at all). And then about half way through the year I was called to work with the girls 12-13 (again, I got to move up with my girls. Yes, they and their parents know I call them "my" girls). I was able to work with these beautiful young women for 2 and a half years. I developed such a love for these girls. When I felt my heart was empty, I just needed to look at these girls and realize the responsibility I had to be an example for them. To be another guiding force in their lives. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to help guide them and develop long lasting relationships with them. I recently saw a few of them and it made my heart so happy to see their excitement to see me, even though they are quickly on their way to being taller than me (I used to think I was tall, apparently not). Though, at the time, I was not a mother by the world's standard, I knew within my heart I was indeed a mother.

In a few short months (two and a half) I will becoming a mother-YIKES! Now I am filled with anxieties of "will I be a good mother?" But like Sherri Dew said, mothering is something within us. I may not be a perfect mother but I know that as long as I fill the responsibilities of this divine role on this earth, I'll be okay.

What's in a name?

Wikipedia defines a name as: "a noun, normally used to distinguish one from another. . .a personal name identifies a specific unique and identifiable person."

I've started making a list of baby names ever since I was in high school. No, I never planned on becoming pregnant in high school, I would just hear names and I would right them down. And soon I just found myself adding to my list when I was bored. And it wasn't just first names. It was first and middle name combos, that had to flow perfectly. Names that had cute nicknames. Names that could be shortened. Names, for boys, that when you just used their initials sounded like good. (think JC or Tj).

When we found out we were chosen to adopt a baby, Nic and I both felt it was a boy. So, I focused all my attention on boy names. So, when we found out Baby Ward is going to be a girl I had no idea what to tell our Birth Mom when she asked us if we had a name picked out. I always knew I wanted to name our first daughter Magdalena Irene, but because I felt the name had come to us in such a special way, Nic and I decided that we will hold onto that name when I give birth to a girl. With that name tossed out the window, we had to go back to the drawing bored. But after countless hours of thinking up combos and making sure they flowed together (Nic had suggested Jasmine Lakeesha???) we have come up with a list of seven names. They are as follows:

1. Gwenevieve Noel
2. Isabella Rosario
3. Annabelle Marie
4. Caitlyn Marie
5. Gabriella Faye
6. Evelyn Giselle
7. Jasmine Lanae

We don't know how we're going to decide, but Nic and I wanted to see what everyone else thought. So, we made a poll on the side bar of our blog. Go ahead and vote. Obviously Nic and I will make the final decision but, again, we just wanted our friends to weigh in. Happy voting! :)

Worth a try

So, with Baby Ward on the way (we find out on Monday if baby girl or baby boy-so excited!) I figured this would be a pretty good contest to enter.

Hang to Dry is giving away a year FREE of applique T-Shirts. They are ADORABLE!!!!

Cross my fingers and toes (and fingers and toes of Baby Ward) that we win! :)

Thirty, Flirty & Thriving

13 going 30 is one of my all-time favorite movies. Jennifer Garner is amazing in it. If you've been living under a rock and haven't seen it, here is the (simple) synopsis: a 13 year old girl plays a game on her 13th birthday and wakes up the next day as a 30 year old woman (care of IMDB). Jennifer Garner's character, Jenna Rink, at one point in the movie tells her mom that she wants to be 30 and reads the name of magazine article to her "Thirty, Flirty and Thriving: Why Your 30's Are The Best Years of Your Life."


I'm actually pretty excited about turning 30, but if it were up to my 13 year-old self I would be a married attorney living in a mansion and driving a VW bug with four children (this according to many games of MASH). Never would have my 13 year-old self imagined starting a new career at 29. Neither could my 13 year-old self have imagined having fertility problems. I also think 13 year-old Elaine would be shocked to know that I'm not the proud owner of a VW bug (for reals, I thought they were the coolest car!). But I have learned a few valuable lessons.

Back in November Nic and I went out on a date and I thought I looked pretty HOTT so I took some pics (over 30) of myself when I got home. After these pictures I made this list.

*I can pull off bangs, but the side swept bang is my best friend and I can pretty much rock it!

*I know my “good” side and my “bad” side when taking pictures.

*I may never be deemed a “hipster” by the worlds standards, but I think my style pretty much rocks.

*Though my smile may not be perfect, I love every bit of it. One day I’ll get braces. Or maybe I won’t. We’ll see.

*My nose. It's a love/hate relationship. Ever since I broke it in grade school it's been an issue for me. Overtime I have learned that it suits my face just fine. . .well, most days I feel that way ;)

*“Pretty much rocks (or "pretty much awesome"),” “Dude,” and “for reals” are phrases I use quite often. And you know what? Dude, it pretty much rocks-for reals! I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did ya? ;)

*I’m not dying anytime soon (well, at least not that I’m aware of) and I have a bucket list. I’ve already crossed two things off. Hopefully three more will be coming off this year.

*I have mastered the art of a self-portrait.

*I love the way I look.

*The worry wrinkle between my brows will never go away. Though, I did learn some massage techniques that help it appear smaller. Awesome!

*I love my perfectly imperfect body. I have also learned that I will never be the size 2 I never was.

*I loved my body sophomore year of high school-toned, defined muscles and in awesome shape (Thanks Coach Jill!), and I’m okay if I am never to look like that again. Okay, maybe not completely okay but I really don't have the motivation to work that hard for it.

*Be adventurous when it comes to your hair. It’s only hair. It will grow back. Just make sure you have the right stylist. I have THE BEST hairstylist ever! And it totally makes a difference when one decides to change their look every six months or so.

*What makes a good stylist? Someone who listens to what you want, gives you honest feedback as to what will or will not work with your hair type, explains how cutting it a certain way will make it ‘pop’ more, and when he/she is styling it they explain what they’re doing so you can try to achieve that look at home. A good hairstylist will NEVER lead you astray. My hairstylist pretty much rocks!

*Voluminizing/Body Boosting products are a girls' best friend-forever and always!

*My infertility does not define me. I define me.

*People will love me or hate me. The ones that hate me are totally missing out on having an awesome friend.

*I can not live my life to please people. I must live my life to please myself.

*This video gives the best advice ever:

I would be lying if I said that I woke up everyday feeling darn right sexy because I don't. I catch glimpses in the mirror that make me cringe. Especially when I think I look good in a pair of jeans and realize how wide my seat is when I take them off. But, more often than not I love myself. It's taken a lot of time learning what works best for my body and what color look best on me (I still don't know if I'm a fall/winter/spring/summer color scheme).


This new found sense of self was 20 years in the making (since puberty), but most of this progress of my self worth/value/confidence came within that last year. I think what aided in this was making the decision to quit my job and return to school. Such a huge decision, but doing what I want to be doing just brings out a new sense of pride in one's self. I think with confidence comes a sense of freedom. I feel free from judgement. Though I know it happens it just seems to slide off my back easier.

So here's to the big 3-0. It's going to be awesome!

July

Lately my mind has been thinking about the month of July.

July has always been a special month for Nic and I. Our first date was July 23, 2002. And we got engaged July 30, 2004. And it seems that no matter where we were in our on-again/off-again relationship, we always managed to get back together in July. It only seems fitting that Baby Ward join our family in July too.

Thank you month of July for holding a special place in our hearts.

In case you missed it

Here is the video I posted on facebook announcing to our friends that Nic and I are going to be parents. Enjoy!

The Match

It happened. It finally happened. Nic and I have been chosen to adopt a baby and we are more than excited. The story (sorry, it's a little long):

As you are all aware, we started the adoption process three years ago. As some of you know, I struggled with my faith and being at peace with this trial since 2006. Though, honestly, the last two years have really been the best for me and the last four months of 2010 really pushed me to my limits. . .of faith that is.

I knew I, personally, needed more faith in my life. But it was hard. I felt like I was doing everything right, though in the back of my mind I knew I still wasn't making the ultimate sacrifice: surrendering everything to the Lord. August 2010, I was compelled to be humbled and turn my faith to the Lord. Trusting that He would provide for Nic and I. It was still hard, but I (we) had done everything we could and it just wasn't up to us anymore. Nic an I came to know that in the end everything would work out and this sacrifice would allow us to have our family.

Now fast forward to December 2010. We felt we needed to really do better on our end to make sure our family happened (we were also compelled again by a letter from LDSFS). We took the necessary steps. Some were long and hard (more paperwork-blah!), while others were easy. We were hit with some speed bumps, but we continued on. We did everything in faith. I personally know that I was doing more things on my end to show the Lord I was faithful. It was a rewarding experience.

January 2011, Nic and I decide to come up with a family theme: "Trust God and believe in good things to come." It seemed fitting for the hopes we had for our family with the new year. Thursday, January 27th Nic and I went to the temple. We hadn't been in a while so it felt good to be there. The temple greeter asked us to participate in a sealing session and we were more than happy too. Before we began our session, I wrote down a list of people I felt needed prayers and placed in the prayer box. On that list I wrote "Ward Birth Mom." We hadn't prayed for her in a while, so it felt good writing her "name" down. Sitting in the sealing room, I was filled with peace and hope. The hope of being able to return there with our future children. With the additional paper work, I had dragged my feet a little, but then finally on Saturday, January 29th I bit the bullet and pushed through it. Monday, January 31st I emailed everything to our case worker. Tuesday, February 1st I got a call.

It was a friend from our old ward wondering if Nic and I were still hoping to adopt. I told her we were and she asked if she could share our information with a family friend. Of course I said yes, but honestly I really didn't think anything would come of it. We had two previous situations come up, but nothing came of them. I wasn't putting all of my eggs in this basket. A few hours later my friend called back, stating that the Birth Mother (BM) was wanting to move forward(!) and gave me her attorney's contact information so we could schedule an appointment with him. I was a little in shock and in somewhat disbelief. I couldn't believe it was that "easy." I think mostly in my mind I had made it into this huge spiritual experience (but looking back, it really was), and so the fact that it wasn't was kind'a a downer for me. But I was happy. Just in complete disbelief. I call the attorney and he tells me that his client (BM) wants to meet us. I call our mutual friend and we get it arranged. I begin reaching out to my friends in the adoption community, because, in all honesty I. AM. FREAKING(!). OUT!!!! They all just reminded me to "breathe". Really? Easier said than done people.

We meet at our mutual friends house and while the conversations were a little awkward at the beginning (think first date/blind date), we soon found our common ground: shoes!!! Once we began talking about shoes, it was like we had been friends forever :) At the end of the night, as she was leaving, she told us: "As far as I'm concerned, the baby is already yours." I had to give Nic's had a little squeeze and steady myself from not wanting to jump on her and give her way too many hugs (though, she has been endearing enough to deal with me when I want to give her a hug. she understands I'm a hugger).

Our sweet BM feels like family already. And she will be. She IS family. We have all decided on an open adoption. She said she never wants to step on our toes or interfere with our parenting styles. I told her that I don't ever want her to feel as if we are being "too open" with her. I told her as long as we keep communicating what we are and aren't comfortable with and as long as we are honest with each other, this relationship (like any relationship) will work.

There are some details that still need to be worked out: mostly, deciding on an attorney. Her attorney said all communication (post placement) would have to go through him "because we don't want birth mom knowing where you live." Um, for reals dude? That's old school and considered closed adoption. Not for us.

The count down to July 17th has begun!

P.S. The sex of the baby is unknown but we will find out (2 weeks). AND the baby will be half Mexican/half Caucasian. My friend said that's while she immediately thought of us.