This is a plaque we are going to hang up in baby girl’s room. Some of you may recognize the quote that is on it. It’s from this blog post. It’s a quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. When I first heard this quote, I cried. When I first saw this plaque, I cried. When I was telling Nic that I wanted to get it, I cried. When I picked it up at the store and read it again, I cried. This quote by Elder Holland is so powerful and answers every question I have had/felt about motherhood: will the blessing of motherhood come soon in our marriage? Will it come later in life? Will it ever come at all? The question I most frequently asked myself is that later. Will it ever happen? Will I be blessed on this earth as a mother, or will it wait until heaven?
We as women are meant to be mothers. There is something within us. Sherri Dew stated that "motherhood is the essence of who we are as women." To not fulfill my responsibility as a women, I felt loss and incomplete and I felt like a failure. I felt as though something was wrong with me. Not only was my body not "functional" but I was also unable to fulfill one of the most important roles on this earth. I slowly began to accept the fact that just maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother on this earth. It pained me to think that and it caused me to weep when I said it out loud. But I truly felt that there was no other conclusion to draw.
For awhile, yes, I did wallow in my own self pity. It was hard to accept the fact that it was more than likely I would NOT be a mother on this earth. Yes it made me upset. And yes I questioned my role as a woman. But then, through guidance of Sheri Dew's talk: Are We All Not Mothers? This quote really stuck out to me:
"For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."
I stood back and took a look at my life. Who was I to mother? Who needed my love? Who needs me to help lead and guide them? Obviously, there were my nieces and nephews. And of course my god-daughters. But who else needed my love? And then I received an answer: I was called to work with the youth in my church. At first, it was the 10 year old boys and girls. Then, I moved up with them when they were 11, getting ready to turn 12 (which I didn't expect at all). And then about half way through the year I was called to work with the girls 12-13 (again, I got to move up with my girls. Yes, they and their parents know I call them "my" girls). I was able to work with these beautiful young women for 2 and a half years. I developed such a love for these girls. When I felt my heart was empty, I just needed to look at these girls and realize the responsibility I had to be an example for them. To be another guiding force in their lives. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to help guide them and develop long lasting relationships with them. I recently saw a few of them and it made my heart so happy to see their excitement to see me, even though they are quickly on their way to being taller than me (I used to think I was tall, apparently not). Though, at the time, I was not a mother by the world's standard, I knew within my heart I was indeed a mother.
In a few short months (two and a half) I will becoming a mother-YIKES! Now I am filled with anxieties of "will I be a good mother?" But like Sherri Dew said, mothering is something within us. I may not be a perfect mother but I know that as long as I fill the responsibilities of this divine role on this earth, I'll be okay.
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