Finally!

Just 10 short days after Gabriella entered this world and became part of our family we were able to finalize our adoption. A lot of people couldn't believe that we were able to finalize that quickly and the only thing I could tell them was that the Lord truly was in control of everything.

When we met with our Birth Mom and the attorney to go over initial paper work, our Birth Mom expressed her desire for us to finalize the adoption as soon as possible. The attorney told her that we probably wouldn't be able to get in and finalize for at least a month or after Gabriella was born, but we decided to call down to the court house to see what could be done. The attorney called down to the court house and the clerk confirmed that we indeed would not be able to finalize our adoption until approximately a month after Gabby's birth. When we heard this, I could see the color leave our Birth Mom's face. But then the clerk went on to explain that since we would be represented by an attorney that we could petition the court early to get a date scheduled before Gabby was even born. This was music to our ears! So we all decided that Nic and I (and our attorney, Nic's dad) would petition the court the first part of June.

As June approached Nic's dad told me that I may have put all my eggs in the basket by telling my family (and friends) when we were going to be having the blessing and sealing since so many things can go wrong in family court. The fact that he was doubtful made me nervous. So, we spoke with our Bishop (who is also an attorney) and put me in touch with his paralegal that handles family law. I told her that we were getting ready to petition the court to get a date to finalize our adoption. She asked how old the baby was and I told her that she hadn't been born yet.

"Well, you can't do that."

"What do you mean we can't do that?"

"You can't even schedule a hearing until the baby is born."

"Well, a couple of months ago we called down to the court and the clerk said that we could petition the court early for a date. Our Birth Mom wants us to finalize the adoption as soon as we can, so that's why we're trying to schedule a court date now"

(very rudely-she was actually rude during the whole conversation) "Well, I don't know who you spoke to, but they are wrong. I have never seen a case where you could schedule a court date before the baby is even born. And it's not up to your Birth Mom to decide when you should finalize. Once there is court termination of her rights, she has no say as to what you decide to do."

I told her thank you and promptly hung up. I was near tears because she was so rude and because maybe Nic's dad was right: I had put all my eggs in one basket. I called Nic (in tears) and he told me the one lesson that i have learned over and over: "We just need to trust the Lord."

We made the decision to continue forward in our attempts to schedule a hearing date BEFORE Gabriella was born. I met Nic's dad and we went to the court house and submitted our papers. I was holding my breath for the clerk to say something about Gabby's DOB (that it hadn't even happened yet), but nothing. Nic's dad asked if we could schedule it now and the clerk said "What day would you like?" What?! Was this really happening? "Um, July 21st." "Okay."

Wow! I couldn't believe it. Well, I could because I knew the Lord was in control. But for a second, I did doubt.

The only one hang up was an additional home study that the court wanted-at the end of August :/. I started to get nervous again, but with the combination of our attorney and our Birth Mom's attorney we were able to get the additional home study waived. Everything was a go.

When we showed up for court I was a nervous wreck. I just kept thinking that the judge could change his mind for any reason at any time. The judge came into the court room and began. He said that he had reviewed our paperwork and found us suitable to become Gabriella's legal guardians. I began to cry. Who knew court proceedings could be so emotional.

After all the legal stuff was done, we were able to take some pictures and enjoy our time as a family before my parents arrived to meet their beautiful new grand-daughter.

The Greatest Gift

This is a picture of Gabriella and her birth mom.

On Wednesday, July 13th we said good-bye to our birth mom. It was an extremely hard thing to do.

That morning as we drove to the hospital, I felt that we would be saying good-bye to her, so in the car we were sure to say a prayer for her. We prayed that she would not only feel the love we have for her, but also feel the love that our Heavenly Father has for her as well. We prayed that she would be strengthened by that love. And most importantly we prayed that she would know that Gabriella will also know who she is and that we all will always be eternally grateful to her.

Our birth mom came to the NICU and we gave her a few things. First, I told our sweet birth mom that Nic and I will never begin to understand everything she is feeling right now, or how she will feel in the future, but I let her know that we love her. That we sincerely love her and

that Gabriella is just not our daughter, but she is ours. That she belongs to all three of us. I told her that we were truly grateful for her allowing us to start this next chapter in our lives and that she will always be our angel.

Birth mom told us having an adoption plan for Gabriella was what was for the best. To me, that truly showed how much love she had for Gabriella. Adoption truly is about love.

Next, Nic and I presented her with some special items that we had for her. The first one is a bracelet. Gabriella has the same one and she wore it during her newborn photo-shoot.

The next item was a Willow Tree Figurine, it's called Keepsake: Kept forever in the heart. I first came across this figurine when I learned we were first matched. A friend had suggested looking at Willow Tree Figurines to give as a gift to our birth mom when we first met her. I couldn't find anything, but when I saw "Keepsake" I began to cry and I knew that his is something I would want to give her when it came time for placement.

Both my eyes and the eyes of our birth mom were filled with tears (I asked Nic if he cried at all and he said no-typical guy. haha).

I told our birth mom that no matter where we are in our lives and no matter where Gabriella is, and no matter where she is that we have a piece of each other with us.

After a few more tears we got up to really say good-bye. Hugs were given and more tears were shed. Nic said good-bye to our birth mom first and then it was my turn. I tried not to cry, but I just couldn't help it. Neither of us could. I just kept telling her thank you and how much we loved her. She said she loves us too. Which, was so wonderful to hear her say.

Her final words to me: "It's going to be amazing!"

7.11.11

Today at approximately 1:16 pm our sweet baby girl, Gabriella Neveyah, joined the world. It was such an amazing experience.

The morning was off to a slow start. The C-Section was was supposed to be at 10 am, but it was pushed back until 12 pm. Our poor birth mom was uncomfortable and ready for the baby to be out. It was nice however to spend that extra time waiting with her.

Once our birth mom got called back, we got to sit in the pre-op room with her. We got to listen to Gabriella's heart beat one more time before she joined the world. It was exciting to hear her heart just pumping away. I think she knew that she was getting ready to make her grand entrance :). Sitting there with our birth mom, I was filled with an even greater sense of love for her. Getting changed into the scrubs made my heart race. Was this really getting ready to

happen? I couldn't believe that in just a few minutes our lives would be changed FOREVER! I took Nic's camera into the OR, but I really didn't take a whole lot of pictures. I didn't want to cause a stir of any kind. I just really wanted it to be about our birth mom. The anesthesiologist encouraged me to take pictures and to take a peek over the curtain if I wanted. I did and then I decided that I do not want to ever have a c-section. Oh my goodness. I'm so grateful for our

birth mom enduring that procedure. Seeing them pull Gabriella out was incredible. This sweet

baby girl that we had waited for was finally here. Right after they pulled her out, I was whisked away to the nursery to be with her. Nic was already in there. As I was getting cleaned up, the tears started to come. I tried holding them back, but two of the nurses told me: "it's okay to cry. And you know what? We'll cry with you." I tried to breath my way through it, but as soon as I

rounded the corner and saw them cleaning her up, the tears just came. Like, big bawling,

blubbery tears. It was incredible.

I was wanting to hold her when they were done, but they discovered that she had spontaneous pneumathorax and she had to be immediately taken to the NICU. Gabriella was connected to four different monitors: 1) to monitor her heart rate, 2) to monitor her breathing rate, 3) to

monitor her oxygen levels, and 4) to monitor her body temperature. She also had what they called "the box." It was an enclosed helmet that just pumped oxygen into her lungs. The on-call pediatrician told us that the point of "the box" was to help the pneumathorax to heal itself. If it

didn't then they would use a needle to uncollapse the lung. If that didn't work then they would have to do a tubal. Obviously, Nic and I were hoping for the box to work. Gabriella also had to have multiple x-rays done to make sure the pneumathorax was healing. She did not like that. Especially because they had to stretch her our to get them. Since the womb she has always let you know what she didn't like and she definitely let the nursing staff know that she did NOT like that. . .haha.

The hardest part with her being in the box was that we couldn't hold her. It was killing us! We could just give her foot or hand a little squeeze. And poor baby girl couldn't eat anything either. She was stuck with an IV and sugar water to help her keep the pacifier in her mouth. That first night we decided to stay in the hospital. Even though our friend that we were staying with lived 2 mins away from the hospital, we thought it best to stay right there just in case something happened. That night, we also had our cousin and her fiance come up from Rexburg to help Nic

give Gabriella a blessing of health. Though I could barely hear what he was saying (due to the beeping of monitors), you could definitely feel the presence of the Lord. It's true what they say

about the NICU-there are definitely angels there. Not only was our new little family and our birth mom strengthened by the prayers of our friends, I truly felt the presence of my grand-parents, Nic's grandparents and our birth mom's father. They were all there to make sure this sweet baby girl pulled through.

After 26 grueling hours and one final x-ray (I think she may have had a total of 10-5 times with

2 views) she was given the clear-YAY!! Though the pneumathorax had healed she still had to be monitored to make sure she was getting the right level of oxygen and her breathing rate was able to keep stabilized on it's own. Every time her monitor would go off because her levels had dropped, I would quickly go and grab her hand and tell her: "It's okay baby girl. You can do it. Mommy knows that you can be strong. It's okay. You can do it."

After removing "the box" we were able to feed her and baby girl was STARVING! She downed two ounces like it was nobody's business. After eating she was given a bath. She hated it. Though, she really did enjoy her hair being washed (who doesn't like a scalp massage???). After she was all clean and fresh we were able to hold her, and love on her and give her way too many kisses :)

We were hoping to get discharged that night, but the doctor wanted to keep her at least another day because her white blood cell count was low and the antibiotics were fighting the infection that she had. So, another night it was. And more prayers were given.

Wednesday morning we awoke bright and early so we could head to the hospital to feed her and to see what the good doctor was going to tell us. I also felt, as we were driving to the hospital, that this would be the day that we would be saying good-bye (though not forever) to our birth mom. On the way there, we were sure to say a prayer her and for us and for the good-bye that was getting ready to happen.

A few hours after saying good-bye to our birth mom, we were told to bring in the car seat so we could load Gabriella in it and do a stress test. Our nurses were very excited for us to bring in the car seat, because they knew what that meant-that we could go home! Gabriella was strapped in and she passed-YAY!!! When we were talking to the good ol' doc about discharge he said he wanted to send us home, but he would feel better if were to stay here (Idaho Falls) until Friday. He said with the altitude changes, it could possibly trigger something with Gabriella's pneumathorax (even though she was healed). We said we would. And we received the seal of approval to be discharged.

We took her home to our friends house and it was amazing to be a family. Our friend and her family were out of town, so it was just us. It was so nice. That night I stayed up with Gabriella. She just wanted to be held for almost two hours. When we woke up the next day, I told Nic that it just felt right being up with her. Like she had been ours forever. :)

Thursday morning we drove home. Yes we told the doctor we would stay, but who wouldn't tell them what they wanted to hear so we could get out?! Nic and I figured this: she had recovered 100% and we had faith in the Lord that he would give her the continued strength to stay strong (or at least to make it home if something were to happen). And He did. We made it back home safe and sound to begin our new life as a family.

The Night Before

Well, the time has finally arrived. Tomorrow is the BIG day. I can hardly believe it.


All day people have been asking me if I'm excited, but honestly I'm not quite sure how I feel. Initially when we were matched I was excited. Getting everything ready made me excited, but in the final home stretch I've begun to feel. . . I don't know. I think I really am feeling so many different things I'm just not quite sure how to feel, or how I should feel. I have been thinking a lot about our birth mom and trying to grasp what she could possibly be feeling, but I know that there is no way I could possibly understand or know exactly how she is feeling. I'll NEVER understand, but I do know one thing. I know that she is our angel. I know that she has answered many prayers offered by my husband and I.

I have always believed that we as beings on this earth are here to help each other through life and to answer prayers offered by our brothers and sisters. We are here on this earth to help each other become something greater. Our birth mom has done this for us. She has given/is giving Nic and I so much. I can only hope that we have given her something in return.

I still can't believe that in 12 hours Nic and I will be parents. When we leave Eastern Idaho there will be a real-life baby in our back seat. We will be leaving with our daughter. Our daughter. Our sweet baby girl. Our pride and joy. This sweet baby who already has her daddy wrapped around her little finger :) Tomorrow, we will be a family.

"How did you guys even end up together?!"

When we met with our Birth Mom in June, this is something she asked. She posed this question after Nic had done something that was "typical Nic." I didn't take offense by it, in fact it made me laugh. Mostly because Nic and I are so completely different, and while I'm sure a lot of people do wonder how we ended up together no one has ever asked. So now, I will tell both you and our birth mom how we ended up together.

I moved to Boise in May of 2002. Shortly after I moved here I met Nic. I came home with his roommate (whom I liked) and was NOT impressed with Nic the first time I met him. I remember telling his roommate "He must be the jerk of the house, right?" A few days later I crossed Nic's path at a BBQ of a mutual friend. I was there with a girl friend and since we were still pretty new and didn't know anyone. I saw Nic and told her while I had met this guy a couple of days ago he was a jerk but at least we know someone. We made our way towards him and hung out with him for most of the night. At the end of the BBQ a group of us decided to head to a midnight movie (so the thing to do in our single days). At the movie Nic and I sat by each other and I had the very distinct feeling of wanting to be close to him.

About a week later, Nic asked me out on a date but before we could go out I was asked out by another guy and when I told him I couldn't because I already had plans, his friend informed me that I should be careful because Nic was a "player" and proceeded to tell me all the moves that Nic would try. Being one full of attitude at the ripe age of 21, I decided I would have vindication for all the girl that Nic had played. I decided to keep my date with Nic and go along with all the sweet moves that he had and play right back. . .haha.

Shortly after we began dating I remember telling my friend I just can't do it anymore. Nic was nothing like that other guy had told me and I had begun to really like him. After two months of dating I had felt that Nic and I could get married-that was something that I had not planned for. It totally caught me by surprise. Of course, I didn't share these feelings with him. Because nothing scares guys like commitment, right? Haha.

Nic and I continued dating and we drove down to California and he met my family. Everything was going great but then, it was decided we needed a break (a la Ross and Rachel on Friends). We took a lot of "breaks" during our courtship. We dated on and off so frequently that even my best friends didn't know if Nic and I were together. He was always around. Even when we weren't together, he was still my best friend. I talked to him about everything. But then finally in May of 2004, I had reached my breaking point. I was no longer wanting to play these games with Nic.

It was a Sunday and I had made the decision that I was over and done with Nic. Little did I know that same day, he had made the decision that he loved me and couldn't live without me. Talking about bad timing, right? I met a guy that same day and we instantly hit it off. He was totally not like the other guys I had previously dated (he was more of the 'bad boy' type). While he and I were dating, Nic did everything in his power to try to win my affection back. I remember telling Nic "I'm sorry that this isn't working out for you, but you need to respect the fact that I'm dating someone else." Nic backed off in his pursuit, but he told me and everyone else that would listen "I'm going to be there for Elaine when this guy breaks her heart. It's going to happen." He must have been psychic or something because it did happen.

Three weeks later, Nic and I were engaged. Little did I know that Nic had already purchased the ring before we even were officially back together. Boy did he know what he wanted, huh?!

We dated on and off for two years and we are complete opposites. While it wouldn't work for most people, it works for us. Nic is truly my best friend. I think having had that established friendship that we did made it easier for us to endure the hardships that we would have during marriage (the biggest one beint the strugle to start our family). I have always told him everything and it always felt so natural, while with other guys it just always felt so forced. Nic does everything he possibly can to let me know he loves me and cares about me. He does that small things and the big things. I have never questioned his love for me. He opens my doors and gives me simple, sweet kisses on my forehead (he even did this while we were dating). I found a journal that I had when I was 17 years old and in it I had written what I wanted in a husband and Nic has all these qualities (I didn't read this journal again until last year). He's like my dad in some ways. I didn't realize it though until AFTER we were married. I guess it's true what they say about daughters marrying someone like their fathers. And if our daughter marries someone like Nic, she'll be just fine :)

He may not like sports and he may not like chillin' around the house sometimes but to me he is perfectly perfect!

"Hi. My name's Elaine and I Blog Stalk"

One of my friends is encouraging the epidemic known as "Blog Stalking." I have been guilty of this quiet obsession for some time now. I have learned imperative skills to insure I never get caught, but no more. I openly admit that I suffer from the disease known as blog stalking (because admitting it is the first step, right?). I no longer wish to be in hiding.

In my friends valiant effort to promote blog stalking, I am introducing myself to the world wide web. So, here it goes, 30 Things about me:

1. My husband and I will be adding to our family on July 11th, via adoption (we are beyond excited!)
2. I am a naturally shy person.
3. In high school, I was told I wasn't Mexican enough.
4. I hate going places alone-especially when I don't know anyone else.
5. I've always wanted quintuplets.
6. I LOVE reading!
7. I do not like s'mores.
8. I've always wanted a '69 Mustang.
9. Ever since I broke my nose in 5th grade, I have wanted a nose job.
10. I hate it when people touch my nose.
11. I miss California.
12. I LOVE going to plays.
13. I will forever be an Nsync fan.
14. I can recognize a person just by the sound of their voice.
15. I want to have a child with green eyes.
16. I'm constantly changing my hair (be it color or cut).
17. I've never had braces, but I want them.
18. I have a weakness for shoes.
19. I never wore heels until AFTER I got married.
20. I love reality tv-Nic hates it.
21. I didn't get my license until I was 21.
22. Though I plan some things FAR in advance, I procrastinate as much as I can.
23. I order supreme pizza, but I'll pick things off.
24. I am a Mormon and very proud to be one!
25. My favorite color used to be teal.
26. I am a massage therapist.
27. I can spend hours on the coast just sitting on the beach listening to the waves.
28. I have PCOS and my hubby is sterile. This makes for a bad combination when wanting to have children.
29. If I see a stray dog or cat, I instantly want to take them in and care for them.
30. I am a blog stalker :)

There you go. And just for you stopping by, I'm linking you to this sweet little gem :)

10 Days

In 10 days the lives of me and my husband are going to be changed. Forever. In 10 days the thing I wanted most for the last five and a half years will finally come to be. In 10 days I will be a mom.


February seems like it was just yesterday. The day we received the call that we had been matched seems like a blur. I remember hanging up to call Nic and telling him: "Um, I think we were chosen to adopt a baby and become parents." The day we met our birth mom was filled with nervous energy. Will she like us? What if she meets us and decides that we aren't what we were on "paper" (Internet)? That day, Nic and I made a life long friend (though, I feel the word 'friend' does not adequately portray how much love, gratitude, and respect we have for our birth mom). Finding out it was a baby girl was magical. I remember when the tech told us it was a Baby Girl I gave Nic's hand a little squeeze and tears filled my eyes. Right then, we fell even more in love with this sweet Baby Girl that was set to join our lives. And now here we are, July 1st with just 10 days left.


I pray in gratitude for the blessing that the Lord is about to bestow upon us. For so long my prayers were filled with tears and pleadings and beggings. Prayers for a miracle to happen. For the pain of my empty arms and heart to be taken away. I prayed for Him to give me what I wanted. I struggled with, not only faith in Him but, faith in His timing. I struggled to know that this trial was really for my growth and good. I struggled to know that he had a plan in place for me and Nic that it was going to greater than we could have ever imagined. It's amazing for me to look back on the last two years of our lives and see how the Lord was working to get things in place. During those hard times, I dragged my feet and questioned everything: Why do I need to quit my job? Why do we have to move? Why is this all happening? Why? Why? Why? But all along he knew what he was doing, it was just me who had doubted his plan.


I feel like I'm in a dream. I keep pinching myself to make sure it's not. I go into Baby Girl's room and take a deep breath: this is where we will change her diapers. This is where I will rock her to sleep. This is where we will watch her sleep. This is where we will make many memories with our daughter. Our daughter. It feels so good to say that.

10 days.

Cliff & Clair Huxtable

I grew up watching this family. I loved watching The Cosby Show. Recently, I've been watching episodes on Netflix and I love the episodes even more. Especially the love between Cliff & Claire.

Their love reminds me of the love between Nic and me. Well, mostly the love Nic shows me. I know that sounds bad, and don't get me wrong I love my husband dearly but he does a far better job of showing that love. After watching countless episodes of the The Cosby Show, it's encouraging me to be better.

Cliff and Claire are successful people (Cliff being an OB and Claire being an attorney) and yet with their five children (four at home during the early seasons) they still make time for each other. Time for romance. Time for love. What's my excuse for not taking time out for my husband? For both of us really, not making enough time for each other?

I have long believed that love is an ACTION. It's so important to continually love your spouse. Love takes work. It is simply not a feeling that one day disappears. Love is an act that we have not continually demonstrated to our loved one that causes love to disappear. If we are showing love, how can we not feel love? Today I vow to love my husband more. I encourage all of you to take that step as well and love your significant other more today.

Oh, and do yourself a favor if you have never watched any episode of The Cosby Show, go to YouTube and search Cliff and Claire Huxtable. You will laugh and you will be inspired.

6 weeks

6 weeks until we meet our Baby Girl. I can't believe it. It seems like February 1 was just yesterday. . .not five months ago. Relationship with our birth mom is still great. She sends us little updates and funny little happenings. We're so grateful that she chooses to share those things with us. I bought Baby Girl a journal so that when birth mom sends us little stories I put them in the book.

Writing in the journal has kind of been an emotional experience for me. It makes Baby Girl seem even more real. I talk to her as if she was here. Telling her that I sat in her room for over an hour today or how fun it is to see Daddy get excited about her joining our little family. I told her about my love for the ocean and how I hope she comes to love it as much as I do. And again, I tell her the funny stories that her birth mom shares with us.

So far, while in the womb Baby Girl has kicked birth mom on her bladder she had to excuse herself from a client (Birth Mom is also a massage therapist), punched Birth Mom's stomach so hard that a client on the table felt it (he was kind'a weirded out), and been called feisty by Birth Mom's doctor after she pushed the dr's hand away while he was trying to listen to Baby Girl's heart beat. Baby Girl already knows what she does and does not like. Haha.

I still feel like we have so much to do and projects for the baby to finish. Hopefully the nesting bug kicks in soon.

Let the count down begin!

Those Three Words

I've said those three little words before, but never really had a second thought about them. People have said them to me in passing but they didn't seem to mean it. Or they felt they had to explain themselves when they told them to me. Those simple words so simple and plain. And on Friday I began to realize their significance.


I came home from work on and there was a package in the mail addressed to me. I figured it was just another gift for our baby girl from a friend, but then I noticed that the return address was a book club in California. "Strange," I thought. I then began to rack my brain, trying to recall when I purchased something on-line. Since I've been ordering things on-line for the last couple of months, I was having a hard time remembering what this could possibly be. Curiosity was beginning to get the best of me, so I opened the package and found a book wrapped in bubble wrap. I began skimming over the package slip, looking for a message of some sort but I couldn't find one. But then it caught my eye. The buyer's name, our birth mom. I suddenly became anxious and couldn't wait to see what it was. I tore into the bubble wrap and saw the book: "Why Every Daughter Needs a Mother: 100 Reasons." Tears began to fill my eyes. I read the book description and I began to cry.


I quickly sent a text to our dear, sweet birth mom thanking her for the thoughtful gift and letting her know that this book would always be treasured in our house. And then she said it. Those three words: "Happy Mother's Day."


Our birth mom saying those words made what's going to be happening in two months even more real. In two short months I will be entrusted with a sweet, beautiful, pure, adorable baby girl. In two more months I will be a mom.

NIAW

Last week, April 24th-30th, was National Infertility Awareness Week. I meant to post a couple of blogs, but didn't' get around to it. Instead, I find myself sitting my at computer at 2 in the morning after have taken a late afternoon/early evening nap typing the morning away.

Better late than never. So, be sure to read the posts below.

Infertility

Plain and simple: there are no reasons nor explanations for my (our) infertility.

Nic and I did not choose infertility. Our infertility is not a result of postponing the start of our family "as soon as we're done with school," "once we have a good job," or "once we are out of debt," etc.

Nor are we infertile for poor life-style choices. We are both healthy individuals. And just because you tell me to add certain things to my diet (that I already include anyways) or stop being stressed or exercise more (or not as often) does not mean that I will get pregnant.

Adoption is a not a quick and easy fix to our infertility woes. If anything, the journey to adoption was just as emotional as the roller coaster of infertility. And just because we adopt does not mean we will forget about our infertility. We are however grateful for the Lord's guidance we felt in our decision to adopt.

Infertility is more common then people realize. Statistically it affects 1 in 8 couples. At Nic's place of employment there are eight couples (including ourselves). Two other couples have infertility problems.

Just because we do not have kids (yet) does not mean that we do not want them. Jokingly telling us "Are you sure want kids? You can have mine." Does not make me laugh.

The one thing I am grateful for that infertility has given me is the opportunity to build a stronger relationship with my dear hubby. He is a wonderful, outstanding man. We had a very strong relationship from the beginning, but going through the ups and downs of infertility caused us to rely on each other even more. He was my foundation, light, and hope when I was in my darkest hour.

Infertility will always be a part of me. But I will not let it define me.

How do deal with Infertility: Sound Principles from "The Never Ending Story"

*This was originally posted 4/26/10 on my other blog*

So, a while ago my husband and I bought the two pack DVD of The Never Ending Story and there are some true life applications there. Here are my observations:

1. If you let the sadness over come you, you will die. I've struggled with being infertile and I've had good days and (really) bad days, but I've come up on top-with occasional trips. But if I choose to wallow in my self-pity I wouldn't be happy. And what kind of life is it if you're not happy?

2. If you doubt your worth, you face ultimate destruction. Never question who you are and what you're purpose is. You are of infinite worth and have a divine purpose on this earth, though you may feel like you're not fulfilling it. Have faith in yourself and everything else will fall into place.

3. We all have a Falcor in our lives: someone who believes in us and stands by our side. Willing to make the adventure with us. My Falcor? The hubby.

4. When you lose your hope and dreams, the nothing will take control. You have to believe in something to be sure you have a purpose in life.

5. There is a power and a being seeking to destroy us. Plain and simple.

6. I will name my son Atreyu-the hubby just doesn't know it yet.

Blessings in Life

This is a plaque we are going to hang up in baby girl’s room. Some of you may recognize the quote that is on it. It’s from this blog post. It’s a quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. When I first heard this quote, I cried. When I first saw this plaque, I cried. When I was telling Nic that I wanted to get it, I cried. When I picked it up at the store and read it again, I cried. This quote by Elder Holland is so powerful and answers every question I have had/felt about motherhood: will the blessing of motherhood come soon in our marriage? Will it come later in life? Will it ever come at all? The question I most frequently asked myself is that later. Will it ever happen? Will I be blessed on this earth as a mother, or will it wait until heaven?

We as women are meant to be mothers. There is something within us. Sherri Dew stated that "motherhood is the essence of who we are as women." To not fulfill my responsibility as a women, I felt loss and incomplete and I felt like a failure. I felt as though something was wrong with me. Not only was my body not "functional" but I was also unable to fulfill one of the most important roles on this earth. I slowly began to accept the fact that just maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother on this earth. It pained me to think that and it caused me to weep when I said it out loud. But I truly felt that there was no other conclusion to draw.

For awhile, yes, I did wallow in my own self pity. It was hard to accept the fact that it was more than likely I would NOT be a mother on this earth. Yes it made me upset. And yes I questioned my role as a woman. But then, through guidance of Sheri Dew's talk: Are We All Not Mothers? This quote really stuck out to me:

"For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led."

I stood back and took a look at my life. Who was I to mother? Who needed my love? Who needs me to help lead and guide them? Obviously, there were my nieces and nephews. And of course my god-daughters. But who else needed my love? And then I received an answer: I was called to work with the youth in my church. At first, it was the 10 year old boys and girls. Then, I moved up with them when they were 11, getting ready to turn 12 (which I didn't expect at all). And then about half way through the year I was called to work with the girls 12-13 (again, I got to move up with my girls. Yes, they and their parents know I call them "my" girls). I was able to work with these beautiful young women for 2 and a half years. I developed such a love for these girls. When I felt my heart was empty, I just needed to look at these girls and realize the responsibility I had to be an example for them. To be another guiding force in their lives. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to help guide them and develop long lasting relationships with them. I recently saw a few of them and it made my heart so happy to see their excitement to see me, even though they are quickly on their way to being taller than me (I used to think I was tall, apparently not). Though, at the time, I was not a mother by the world's standard, I knew within my heart I was indeed a mother.

In a few short months (two and a half) I will becoming a mother-YIKES! Now I am filled with anxieties of "will I be a good mother?" But like Sherri Dew said, mothering is something within us. I may not be a perfect mother but I know that as long as I fill the responsibilities of this divine role on this earth, I'll be okay.

What's in a name?

Wikipedia defines a name as: "a noun, normally used to distinguish one from another. . .a personal name identifies a specific unique and identifiable person."

I've started making a list of baby names ever since I was in high school. No, I never planned on becoming pregnant in high school, I would just hear names and I would right them down. And soon I just found myself adding to my list when I was bored. And it wasn't just first names. It was first and middle name combos, that had to flow perfectly. Names that had cute nicknames. Names that could be shortened. Names, for boys, that when you just used their initials sounded like good. (think JC or Tj).

When we found out we were chosen to adopt a baby, Nic and I both felt it was a boy. So, I focused all my attention on boy names. So, when we found out Baby Ward is going to be a girl I had no idea what to tell our Birth Mom when she asked us if we had a name picked out. I always knew I wanted to name our first daughter Magdalena Irene, but because I felt the name had come to us in such a special way, Nic and I decided that we will hold onto that name when I give birth to a girl. With that name tossed out the window, we had to go back to the drawing bored. But after countless hours of thinking up combos and making sure they flowed together (Nic had suggested Jasmine Lakeesha???) we have come up with a list of seven names. They are as follows:

1. Gwenevieve Noel
2. Isabella Rosario
3. Annabelle Marie
4. Caitlyn Marie
5. Gabriella Faye
6. Evelyn Giselle
7. Jasmine Lanae

We don't know how we're going to decide, but Nic and I wanted to see what everyone else thought. So, we made a poll on the side bar of our blog. Go ahead and vote. Obviously Nic and I will make the final decision but, again, we just wanted our friends to weigh in. Happy voting! :)

Worth a try

So, with Baby Ward on the way (we find out on Monday if baby girl or baby boy-so excited!) I figured this would be a pretty good contest to enter.

Hang to Dry is giving away a year FREE of applique T-Shirts. They are ADORABLE!!!!

Cross my fingers and toes (and fingers and toes of Baby Ward) that we win! :)

Thirty, Flirty & Thriving

13 going 30 is one of my all-time favorite movies. Jennifer Garner is amazing in it. If you've been living under a rock and haven't seen it, here is the (simple) synopsis: a 13 year old girl plays a game on her 13th birthday and wakes up the next day as a 30 year old woman (care of IMDB). Jennifer Garner's character, Jenna Rink, at one point in the movie tells her mom that she wants to be 30 and reads the name of magazine article to her "Thirty, Flirty and Thriving: Why Your 30's Are The Best Years of Your Life."


I'm actually pretty excited about turning 30, but if it were up to my 13 year-old self I would be a married attorney living in a mansion and driving a VW bug with four children (this according to many games of MASH). Never would have my 13 year-old self imagined starting a new career at 29. Neither could my 13 year-old self have imagined having fertility problems. I also think 13 year-old Elaine would be shocked to know that I'm not the proud owner of a VW bug (for reals, I thought they were the coolest car!). But I have learned a few valuable lessons.

Back in November Nic and I went out on a date and I thought I looked pretty HOTT so I took some pics (over 30) of myself when I got home. After these pictures I made this list.

*I can pull off bangs, but the side swept bang is my best friend and I can pretty much rock it!

*I know my “good” side and my “bad” side when taking pictures.

*I may never be deemed a “hipster” by the worlds standards, but I think my style pretty much rocks.

*Though my smile may not be perfect, I love every bit of it. One day I’ll get braces. Or maybe I won’t. We’ll see.

*My nose. It's a love/hate relationship. Ever since I broke it in grade school it's been an issue for me. Overtime I have learned that it suits my face just fine. . .well, most days I feel that way ;)

*“Pretty much rocks (or "pretty much awesome"),” “Dude,” and “for reals” are phrases I use quite often. And you know what? Dude, it pretty much rocks-for reals! I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did ya? ;)

*I’m not dying anytime soon (well, at least not that I’m aware of) and I have a bucket list. I’ve already crossed two things off. Hopefully three more will be coming off this year.

*I have mastered the art of a self-portrait.

*I love the way I look.

*The worry wrinkle between my brows will never go away. Though, I did learn some massage techniques that help it appear smaller. Awesome!

*I love my perfectly imperfect body. I have also learned that I will never be the size 2 I never was.

*I loved my body sophomore year of high school-toned, defined muscles and in awesome shape (Thanks Coach Jill!), and I’m okay if I am never to look like that again. Okay, maybe not completely okay but I really don't have the motivation to work that hard for it.

*Be adventurous when it comes to your hair. It’s only hair. It will grow back. Just make sure you have the right stylist. I have THE BEST hairstylist ever! And it totally makes a difference when one decides to change their look every six months or so.

*What makes a good stylist? Someone who listens to what you want, gives you honest feedback as to what will or will not work with your hair type, explains how cutting it a certain way will make it ‘pop’ more, and when he/she is styling it they explain what they’re doing so you can try to achieve that look at home. A good hairstylist will NEVER lead you astray. My hairstylist pretty much rocks!

*Voluminizing/Body Boosting products are a girls' best friend-forever and always!

*My infertility does not define me. I define me.

*People will love me or hate me. The ones that hate me are totally missing out on having an awesome friend.

*I can not live my life to please people. I must live my life to please myself.

*This video gives the best advice ever:

I would be lying if I said that I woke up everyday feeling darn right sexy because I don't. I catch glimpses in the mirror that make me cringe. Especially when I think I look good in a pair of jeans and realize how wide my seat is when I take them off. But, more often than not I love myself. It's taken a lot of time learning what works best for my body and what color look best on me (I still don't know if I'm a fall/winter/spring/summer color scheme).


This new found sense of self was 20 years in the making (since puberty), but most of this progress of my self worth/value/confidence came within that last year. I think what aided in this was making the decision to quit my job and return to school. Such a huge decision, but doing what I want to be doing just brings out a new sense of pride in one's self. I think with confidence comes a sense of freedom. I feel free from judgement. Though I know it happens it just seems to slide off my back easier.

So here's to the big 3-0. It's going to be awesome!

July

Lately my mind has been thinking about the month of July.

July has always been a special month for Nic and I. Our first date was July 23, 2002. And we got engaged July 30, 2004. And it seems that no matter where we were in our on-again/off-again relationship, we always managed to get back together in July. It only seems fitting that Baby Ward join our family in July too.

Thank you month of July for holding a special place in our hearts.

In case you missed it

Here is the video I posted on facebook announcing to our friends that Nic and I are going to be parents. Enjoy!

The Match

It happened. It finally happened. Nic and I have been chosen to adopt a baby and we are more than excited. The story (sorry, it's a little long):

As you are all aware, we started the adoption process three years ago. As some of you know, I struggled with my faith and being at peace with this trial since 2006. Though, honestly, the last two years have really been the best for me and the last four months of 2010 really pushed me to my limits. . .of faith that is.

I knew I, personally, needed more faith in my life. But it was hard. I felt like I was doing everything right, though in the back of my mind I knew I still wasn't making the ultimate sacrifice: surrendering everything to the Lord. August 2010, I was compelled to be humbled and turn my faith to the Lord. Trusting that He would provide for Nic and I. It was still hard, but I (we) had done everything we could and it just wasn't up to us anymore. Nic an I came to know that in the end everything would work out and this sacrifice would allow us to have our family.

Now fast forward to December 2010. We felt we needed to really do better on our end to make sure our family happened (we were also compelled again by a letter from LDSFS). We took the necessary steps. Some were long and hard (more paperwork-blah!), while others were easy. We were hit with some speed bumps, but we continued on. We did everything in faith. I personally know that I was doing more things on my end to show the Lord I was faithful. It was a rewarding experience.

January 2011, Nic and I decide to come up with a family theme: "Trust God and believe in good things to come." It seemed fitting for the hopes we had for our family with the new year. Thursday, January 27th Nic and I went to the temple. We hadn't been in a while so it felt good to be there. The temple greeter asked us to participate in a sealing session and we were more than happy too. Before we began our session, I wrote down a list of people I felt needed prayers and placed in the prayer box. On that list I wrote "Ward Birth Mom." We hadn't prayed for her in a while, so it felt good writing her "name" down. Sitting in the sealing room, I was filled with peace and hope. The hope of being able to return there with our future children. With the additional paper work, I had dragged my feet a little, but then finally on Saturday, January 29th I bit the bullet and pushed through it. Monday, January 31st I emailed everything to our case worker. Tuesday, February 1st I got a call.

It was a friend from our old ward wondering if Nic and I were still hoping to adopt. I told her we were and she asked if she could share our information with a family friend. Of course I said yes, but honestly I really didn't think anything would come of it. We had two previous situations come up, but nothing came of them. I wasn't putting all of my eggs in this basket. A few hours later my friend called back, stating that the Birth Mother (BM) was wanting to move forward(!) and gave me her attorney's contact information so we could schedule an appointment with him. I was a little in shock and in somewhat disbelief. I couldn't believe it was that "easy." I think mostly in my mind I had made it into this huge spiritual experience (but looking back, it really was), and so the fact that it wasn't was kind'a a downer for me. But I was happy. Just in complete disbelief. I call the attorney and he tells me that his client (BM) wants to meet us. I call our mutual friend and we get it arranged. I begin reaching out to my friends in the adoption community, because, in all honesty I. AM. FREAKING(!). OUT!!!! They all just reminded me to "breathe". Really? Easier said than done people.

We meet at our mutual friends house and while the conversations were a little awkward at the beginning (think first date/blind date), we soon found our common ground: shoes!!! Once we began talking about shoes, it was like we had been friends forever :) At the end of the night, as she was leaving, she told us: "As far as I'm concerned, the baby is already yours." I had to give Nic's had a little squeeze and steady myself from not wanting to jump on her and give her way too many hugs (though, she has been endearing enough to deal with me when I want to give her a hug. she understands I'm a hugger).

Our sweet BM feels like family already. And she will be. She IS family. We have all decided on an open adoption. She said she never wants to step on our toes or interfere with our parenting styles. I told her that I don't ever want her to feel as if we are being "too open" with her. I told her as long as we keep communicating what we are and aren't comfortable with and as long as we are honest with each other, this relationship (like any relationship) will work.

There are some details that still need to be worked out: mostly, deciding on an attorney. Her attorney said all communication (post placement) would have to go through him "because we don't want birth mom knowing where you live." Um, for reals dude? That's old school and considered closed adoption. Not for us.

The count down to July 17th has begun!

P.S. The sex of the baby is unknown but we will find out (2 weeks). AND the baby will be half Mexican/half Caucasian. My friend said that's while she immediately thought of us.

The Ward Family Theme

My friend Mrs. R has a family theme. Last year it was "Come what may, and love it" and this year is "Hold thy peace." Mrs. R is a truly inspiring women. Following her example, Nic and I have chosen a family theme: "Trust God and believe in good things to come."

The last four months of 2010 were hard ( *insert Michael Scott joke* ). We had to make big changes in our life. Changes Nic accepted more than I did. I'm a stubborn, hard-headed individual. I tend to want things my way. And though my life experiences have taught me that this isn't how it works, I always tend to forget that the Lord is over all. I can't even begin to count how many times I have personally felt the Lords hand in my life, but yet I still struggle to let go and have things not go MY way. One day I'll learn (hopefully!).

With these big changes in our life have come adjustments and more struggles. But through all of it, one thing has remained true: I have felt the Lord guiding us. Because we have humbled ourselves and given Him our trust and faith, He has guided us. He has given us those small reminders of His love. He has answered prayers through friends and inspiration.

When things were hardest for me, I came across a Mormon messages video that featured Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. To this day the video (still) makes me cry. The message at the end is so powerful: "There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. And some don't come until heaven. . .it will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

Nic and I both know, and feel, that 2011 is going to be filled with new and exciting things for us. And we know that as long as we "trust God and believe in good things to come" all will be well.

Here is the video:



I've also decided there are a few things that I would like to work on this year:
1] Obviously trust more in the Lord. This is where I lack. I can trust Him in the small things but when it comes to trusting Him in the BIG things I'm scared. I'm scared about the "what if's." But no more! "Trust God and believe in good things to come." Bring it on 2011!

2] Have dinner at a regularly scheduled time (preferably when the hubby comes home from work). I've been doing good with this. We even got our kitchen table cleaned off so we're sitting at the table and not on the couch with our TV trays. Eating on the couch was something we did fairly often and I hated it! So nice to have the table cleaned off.

3] Set business hours. Being self-employed as a massage therapist and trying to kick-start my business, is very time consuming. I have marketing to do, research, networking, marketing meetings, answering emails, sending emails, more research, writing articles, more marketing. You catch my drift. I'm usually working from when I wake up to right before I go to sleep. Need to set hours so I'm not neglecting my responsibilities at home. Which leads me to number 4. . .

4] Fulfill my household responsibilities. I cook? Yes. I clean? Occasionally. I do laundry? Um, only when I'm in desperate need of things. To sum it up, I pretty much suck at life when it comes to getting these type of things done. 2011 will be anew.

5] (Really) Read my scriptures. This was Inspired by my older brother. He stopped going to church when he was 18. Recently he has started going back to church AND reading the Book of Mormon. Not just 'reading' it but really reading it. Like studying and pondering of every little thing. And if he doesn't understand a chapter he reads it again. He's told me he's spent a couple of days on chapters. Um, so not there with my scripture study habits. I read them and ponder them but I don't study them out like my brother does. So appreciative of his example.

6] Blog more, Facebook less. One of my friends said that she FBed so much that she stopped posting on her blog. And she didn't want that. I read an article that stated FB was the new blog. I don't want that. I can make a book out of my blog, but not my FB posts-even if they are pretty witty.

7] Get out more. When I was full-time and it came time for the weekend, I just wanted to stay home. But now I want to get out and LIVE! We have a book that's "everything Idaho" it tells you about different towns in Idaho and what they have to offer. I want to live this book.

8] Date my husband more. Even if it's just us hanging out and rocking out to Rock Band.

9] Take more pictures. I have a good camera. But I rarely take it out to just taken random pictures of us. Then I feel as if we have nothing to show the past year.

Bring it on 2011. It's going to be an amazing year!

*it should be noted for some reason I am having a very hard time typing "2011." For some reason, I want to type "2001." Weird. And yes, every time I typed "2011" in this blog it was first typed "2001."